OK, so I haven't written anything in a while, and that's mostly because I've been feeling like crap, because that's all I feel, and that's all I talk about, but I didn't want to be redundant, even though I am, because I write the same whiny self-pitying bullshit on my blog over and over in the hopes that someone will read it and feel sorry for me and make me feel not so guilty about having feelings and feeling things and feeling feely feels.
The point is, I think everybody's been feeling like shit, so I've been trying to calm down about whining about feeling like shit. But second semester just started and ugh we have to pick courses for third AND fourth (???!!) year already and we need to do a "Plan Of Study" (whatever that is) and I don't even have plans for dinner.
I'm so so so super scared for next year because half of me doesn't even know if there's gonna BE a next year for me.
I'm so tired because I work all the time and I barely sleep and I always wake up in the middle of the night paranoid that I'll be late for work. I know, I know. At least I have a job. Don't complain.
And I'm trying not to.
I'm just feeling hopeless and lost again, and all these words are pointless and dumb again, and I feel so fucking guilty for whining and complaining about "ugh I have school and work and ugh," because it sounds so stupid and ungrateful.
Like, I'm not depressed. But I'm taking anti-depressants? I don't need them, for sure. I'm just whiny, I know. I really have no reason to complain about anything like stress and whatever and that's why I feel so guilty about feeling bad. Like, when I start to feel sorry for myself I want to punch myself in the face and be like "Sofie, shut up. You have no reason to feel bad or be depressed. You fucking have everything. Now go to sleep because you have to be up in four hours." And then I try to sleep but I can't.
And then I run to work and run around at work and run from work to the subway and run downtown and run to school and sit at school and run home and try to sleep and run back and forth and run and I don't even have time to cry. And when I'm about to, I try not to, because I have nothing to cry about.
I feel bad for feeling bad, basically.
And then I start to feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad. Because it's like, maybe I do have a right to feel shitty. I'm allowed to feel like crap. I'm 19, my parents are kicking me out of the house in 7 months, I'm totally lost in terms of picking courses and a career path, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I have no money and I'm overworked and stressed and just plain tired.
But then I snap up again and I think, NO! Shut up! You CAN'T feel bad about feeling all of the above because it's NOT A BIG DEAL and YOU'RE NOT A BIG DEAL and then everything goes even more pear-shaped and I feel even worse.
Do my feelings matter? I guess that's the question. I guess that's the point of this post. I've been trying to put off talking about my whiny thoughts because I've been feeling guilty and bad about having them. But I don't need to, do I? Or maybe I do, because these feelings aren't real. Or at least, mine aren't. And I'm just whiny.
But I've been trying to shut up about it, to shove them inside and try to suck it up because I feel like my feelings, whatever they may be, are dumb. They're dumb, and I'm dumb for having them and I'm dumb for thinking they matter.
I guess that's the point of this post. Do my feelings matter? Or are they so insignificant to be easily ignored for other things? Or, more generally, do these feelings -- loneliness, shittyness, stress, constant fatigue, crippling self-loathing-- matter as a whole? And in who? And why?
I feel like crap. But is that even close to being important?
The point is, I think everybody's been feeling like shit, so I've been trying to calm down about whining about feeling like shit. But second semester just started and ugh we have to pick courses for third AND fourth (???!!) year already and we need to do a "Plan Of Study" (whatever that is) and I don't even have plans for dinner.
I'm so so so super scared for next year because half of me doesn't even know if there's gonna BE a next year for me.
I'm so tired because I work all the time and I barely sleep and I always wake up in the middle of the night paranoid that I'll be late for work. I know, I know. At least I have a job. Don't complain.
And I'm trying not to.
I'm just feeling hopeless and lost again, and all these words are pointless and dumb again, and I feel so fucking guilty for whining and complaining about "ugh I have school and work and ugh," because it sounds so stupid and ungrateful.
Like, I'm not depressed. But I'm taking anti-depressants? I don't need them, for sure. I'm just whiny, I know. I really have no reason to complain about anything like stress and whatever and that's why I feel so guilty about feeling bad. Like, when I start to feel sorry for myself I want to punch myself in the face and be like "Sofie, shut up. You have no reason to feel bad or be depressed. You fucking have everything. Now go to sleep because you have to be up in four hours." And then I try to sleep but I can't.
And then I run to work and run around at work and run from work to the subway and run downtown and run to school and sit at school and run home and try to sleep and run back and forth and run and I don't even have time to cry. And when I'm about to, I try not to, because I have nothing to cry about.
I feel bad for feeling bad, basically.
And then I start to feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad. Because it's like, maybe I do have a right to feel shitty. I'm allowed to feel like crap. I'm 19, my parents are kicking me out of the house in 7 months, I'm totally lost in terms of picking courses and a career path, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I have no money and I'm overworked and stressed and just plain tired.
But then I snap up again and I think, NO! Shut up! You CAN'T feel bad about feeling all of the above because it's NOT A BIG DEAL and YOU'RE NOT A BIG DEAL and then everything goes even more pear-shaped and I feel even worse.
Do my feelings matter? I guess that's the question. I guess that's the point of this post. I've been trying to put off talking about my whiny thoughts because I've been feeling guilty and bad about having them. But I don't need to, do I? Or maybe I do, because these feelings aren't real. Or at least, mine aren't. And I'm just whiny.
But I've been trying to shut up about it, to shove them inside and try to suck it up because I feel like my feelings, whatever they may be, are dumb. They're dumb, and I'm dumb for having them and I'm dumb for thinking they matter.
I guess that's the point of this post. Do my feelings matter? Or are they so insignificant to be easily ignored for other things? Or, more generally, do these feelings -- loneliness, shittyness, stress, constant fatigue, crippling self-loathing-- matter as a whole? And in who? And why?
I feel like crap. But is that even close to being important?
Where the world did you get the idea in your head that you're not allowed to feel BAD? "I'm 19, my parents are kicking me out of the house in 7 months, I'm totally lost in terms of picking courses and a career path, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I have no money and I'm overworked and stressed and just plain tired." Honey...that's legitimate anxiety. That's a rough patch. You get to worry over that.
ReplyDeleteThe only caveat to that is that while you feel those bad things, you keep trying. Keep slowly moving toward what your gut tells you is a good direction. Even if you're not sure.
Your mind and soul are trying to tell you something through this unhappiness. Don't tell them to shut up. Putting in ear plugs doesn't stop a hungry baby from crying. You have to TEND to the baby, just like you need to tend to all this pain and confusion.
That's a bit of a ramble, sorry. I've been there. I does get better.